They are grown, they are independent, they may live on their own, marry, have their own children. So naturally your relationship with your kids will change and your role in their life will change. The fact is, they still need us as adults, but in a different way. Below are a list of things I vow to my children as adults, in regards to the Mother I will be then. (Keep in mind these are written from recent personal experience and may not relate to anyone in your life, but still are things that matter!)
1) My Children owe me nothing.
My children did not ask to be brought into this world and they did not ask to be raised by me or anyone for that matter. I am the one who chose to clothe and feed them and spend money on them during their life thus far. I vow to never make my children feel like they owe me anything. I’ll never use the line “I clothed and fed you for x amount of years!” or “Think of all the money I have spent on you in your life time and you can’t do this one thing for me!?” or “After all I have done for you growing up!” Your children do not OWE you anything. I’m not saying acknowledgement and gratitude is bad. I’m saying this should never be used as a tool to guilt, manipulate, or shame your children to get your own way.
2) I will let them move on.
If my sons become husbands some day. I will let them put that woman/man before me without guilting them or acting like I am entitled to more affection than their partner just because I am their Mother. My son chose that person to spend the rest of his life with and I will respect that because I love my children unconditionally. I can take pride in knowing I raised them to make their partner their priority.
3) I will not be jealous of in-laws.
From my experience, it’s quite common for a daughter to remain close to their Mother in their adult years while her husband might not be as close to his own Mother. He might lean towards his wife’s family a bit more because his wife is #1 to him, and that is a good thing. I will just hope that family loves and respects him and embraces him as a true family member. My Grandma always told me this old saying which I have found to be incredibly accurate in my life: “A son is a son ’til he takes him a wife. A daughters a daughter the rest of her life.”
4) My children will always be my priority.
This is one thing that applies now and forever. My children will always, always, come before myself. Their needs will come before my own because I love than more than I love myself. If I am down to my last dollar and one of my sons is in need, I will give it to him. I will always drop everything to be there for them when they need me because ultimately we should never stop being a Mom to them just because they are adults.
5) I will respect them.
I will treat my sons not as children, but as adult equals. I will respect them, their home, their spouse, their children, and any decisions they make as long as it’s not extremely harmful to them. If I know something will hurt them, I won’t do it out of respect for them. Parents do not automatically earn respect just because we gave birth to them. Again it goes back to them not owing us anything. I will respect my children in every way so that they might respect me back.
6) I will not over step my boundaries.
If I have advice to offer, I will only offer it where it’s wanted. I won’t step on toes to get the results I want. Whether that’s regarding their love life, or even how they raise their own children. I need to let them make their own decisions and sometimes that will mean they learn the hard way, but I’ll rest easy knowing I let them make their own choices and their own mistakes.
7) I will celebrate their accomplishments.
I will not miss anything (Unless I shit the bucket and die of course lol). Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, promotion at work, birth of a child, baby shower, wedding, engagements, new occupation/career paths, or just anything my child is proud of. I will always celebrate with them so that they know I care about things that make them happy and that I am always going to be proud of them.
8) I will make sure that they know they are loved.
I never want my children to question my love for them. If I died tomorrow, I’d want them to know how much they mean to me, so I vow to always show them, not just through words, but actions. I don’t want to leave even a slight trace of doubt in their minds about this.
9) I will respect their space.
As much as I want them to know I love them and to be involved in their lives. I also want them to know that their privacy is safe and I will not stick my foot in the door if they try to close it. I won’t suffocate them or harass them with phone calls every day to see if they’re still alive. I won’t guilt them for not coming to see me often if they can’t, because that’s their decision, which I will respect, as stated above. Also sometimes you just CAN’T see people as much as you’d like to, have you seen gas prices? Shiiiit.
10) I will encourage them to put their family first.
By family.. I mean their partner, children, their brothers/sisters. Basically anyone but myself. I think it’s very important for my two sons to remain close and always be there for each other. Be kind to one another, be good uncles and fathers, and stick together through thick and thin. Put each other, and their family (wife/husband, kids) before people like myself who cannot be there 24/7.
That all being said, these are things I just personally hold close to me through my own experiences as a wife and how I wish people in my life would treat their children. Maybe these will hit home for you, maybe they won’t. But I hope either way anyone reading can take something from this and possibly apply it to their own life somehow.