The Scribbler lives!

So it’s been a hot minute since I’ve really updated my blog, minus a few random ramblings here and there and if I’m being honest, I really miss blogging! I’ve had a pretty crazy year so far and I have so much to fill everyone in on but I’m going to do it in bits and pieces because it’s going to take some time. Off the top of my head I can tell you I went to Europe, my kids are growing and doing all kinds of cool and funny shit, I went back on medication for my ADHD for the first time since I was like 17-18, I was diagnosed with a gross thing called Endometriosis, I mean this year has been something else!

The most important thing is I’m back and I renewed my domain with a new fresh name! I was going by The Super Scribbler under the domain katlynblair.com because thescribbler.ca was unavailable back then. LOW AND BEHOLD! It’s available now, I snagged it, it’s miiiiine.

*Cuts Ribbon*

Welcome to the new and improved blog, hold onto your panties ya’ll, I’m back!

Shy or Anxious?

The last few times I have taken Braden to school, he has really struggled with me leaving. He stands alone on the playground staring at me as I walk away. Of course, my heart will not let me leave when I see him like this, so I turn around and go back, every time. I usually encourage him to find his classmates, talk to some kids he doesn’t know, introduce himself to them, wait for a turn on the slide, etc. He tells me he’d rather stand where he is. Eventually I asked some other child who looked bored and alone if he’d like to go talk to Braden. He did. So I left once I saw them chatting. The stranger boy was chatting happily while Braden stood there looking nervous and confused.

As I walked home I asked myself,  “Did I unintentionally pass my social anxiety on to my son?”.
Since he was young I didn’t really have him out and about around other children. He’s always been used to being around only his Mom, Dad, Brother, and Sister. He’s got friends but they aren’t all at school with him. I understand he’s shy and being shy and having social anxiety are not the same thing. So I am trying to gauge which of the two he really is. He seems to get really sad and uncomfortable when he is in social situations, so that makes me lean towards anxiety. However, sometimes he tells me he is fine. Sometimes he flat out says “I’m just shy.”

Regardless, I think school will be good for him. He is slowly coming out of his little shell and I have absolutely learned my lesson. Chase starts school next September, I will absolutely be getting him used to being around other Children well beforehand and the same goes for Paisley. I don’t want to hinder them with my own socially awkward tendencies. Ultimately it’s not fair for me to force my behaviours on them and deprive them of a social life just because I don’t want to leave the house.

Please send positive vibes to Braden as he continues on his journey! 🙂

I lead a pretty drama free life but…

Tonight, I was disappointed. As a member of a group of Moms I am often faced with differing beliefs, views, opinions, and other synonyms for the like. I usually keep my mouth shut and keep my opinions to myself because I am not a fan of confrontation. Tonight I decided not to.

Someone had posted something that I possibly misconstrued as an uneducated statement about Child health. Her words were that her son cannot gain weight, so if she wanted she would send chips and chocolate in his school lunch and “you’re damn right he’s going to eat it.”. My issue with that statement was the implication that the only health issue resulting from junk food, is obesity. So I took to my personal Facebook to try to educate people. I said that junk food can also cause type 2 diabetes, cardiovascular conditions, and more. I chose to do this on my personal Facebook, which I had set to “friends only” instead of on the group because I did not want to hurt this woman’s feelings by disagreeing with her. I thought my opinions were safe on my own Facebook, which I realize is silly to a lot of people, but I maintain a very small friend list.

Someone on my friend list chose to pass the status I posted on to the girl who inspired the post. Which obviously hurt her feelings. I went through a rollercoaster of emotions after that, stemming from my social anxiety. I felt betrayed, guilty, hurt, nervous… I was panicking. I didn’t intend to hurt anyone. I just wanted people to realize how important healthy eating habits are. I’m not a sanctimommy, my children eat junk too, I just wanted to eliminate the belief that health equates to weight, there is SO much more to worry about than just the number on your scale.

After deleting the status out of respect for a friend who was offended, I posted this one:

“Straight up, anyone who knows me knows that I am a nice person. I am not a bully. While I do have strong opinions about things that are important to me, I wouldn’t go out of my way to intentionally hurt someone who has differing views. To the person who took something I said on my personal Facebook and shared it with someone knowing it would hurt their feelings and knowing it would create drama for me, thank you. You’ve showed me that drama is more important to you than respecting me. Many people know I have severe social anxiety and when I am faced with conflict it makes me physically SICK. I almost puked when I realized someone was upset with me and I felt guilty, but the more I think about it, the more I realize I should not have to feel bad for having a personal opinion about something and sharing it among people I thought were trustworthy. I am sorry I offended someone, but I am not sorry for trying to educate people. I will never be sorry for that. 🙂 Have a great Friday everyone, never stop speaking your mind.”

I maintain my opinion. What I spoke was truth, whether or not it was relevant to the girl’s post or whether or not I misunderstood her. Everything I said is still true and important. With all the controversial shit in the world, how did I end up mixed up in drama because of something so trivial. My original post was not rude, not accusatory, I didn’t single anyone out or name any names, I simply provided facts. The girl who inspired the post is not someone I know or would ever meet/associate with, she did not EVER have to know I disagreed with her. To the person who chose to run to the girl and share my private post with her, shame on you. One, for telling her something a stranger said knowing it could hurt her feelings and two, for betraying my trust with the sole intention of causing conflict. I will always apologize for hurt feelings but I will not retreat from voicing my opinion on important issues on the basis that it could potentially hurt the feelings of a person I do not know or have any obligation to. I am sensitive to the feelings of others, I always will be, but I won’t be a doormat either.

Embracing the blisters.

I didn’t want to wake up this morning… Fall is here and despite it being my favourite season of them all, the air was frigid and cold and I didn’t want to leave my warm bed. I had to take Braden to school and I laid there cursing his school for not letting him take the bus. It wasn’t fair that I had to walk to his school with three small children straggling on and behind me back and forth, back and forth, multiple times a day. I just wanted to lay in bed and be warm, get up when I wanted, drink a nice hot coffee, watch Netflix, and just be lazy.

Then for a split second, this little voice in my head that I have cleverly nicknamed “reason”, reminded me that there are millions of children out there who would walk MILES to get an education. In fact there are probably children in this cruel world who do walk miles to get their education. I felt ashamed of myself and my first world problems. I pulled my ass out of bed and walked that child to school because he is incredibly privileged to live in a Country where education is easily accessible and I have absolutely no right to abuse that privilege by complaining or making him skip school. I had blistered heels from my boots and I was panting like a dog by the time I got back, but that’s really a very small price to pay for your child to be given such a wonderful gift that so many other children in the world desperately crave. I will gladly take a few moments of laboured breathing and a blister on my heel, for my son to have an education.

Since 1999 the amount of children out of school has dropped from a staggering 106 million, to 60 million. But think about that, there are 60 million children out there being denied something we often take for granted, something so crucial, that should be a basic human right. Education.

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Think and wonder, wonder and think.

Last night I walked sweaty palmed and red faced into a room full of strangers, half of which looked as nervous as I was. Some looked scared, some were sweating, others had hands that couldn’t stop shaking, while some seemed confident, bored, or just over it. The Kindergarten teacher greeted us all at the door as we entered and directed us to little tiny desks with our childrens’ names on them. I found “Braden” right at the front of the class. I immediately wondered if this would always be his spot or if it was random just for the Open House. I looked around the room and saw little everything. Little chairs, little tables, little bookshelves. Fit for a five year old. Fit for Braden. I sat there trying to pay attention to the information his teacher was giving the parents but my brain was melting. My little baby, my first born, would be sitting in this classroom in a week. Without me! Learning to read, write, make friends, and heaps of other things I was unable to teach him myself. I was so overwhelmed I had to keep reminding myself to stop shaking. When she said we could leave, I was the first one out the door, maybe even the building. I fled like a bat out of hell. My anxiety coupled with the fact that my son was starting school had me an absolute wreck. I know he is ready and I am so, so, proud of him. But it’s so hard for me to let him go. People keep telling me “that’s life.”, “he’ll be fine!”, “every kid goes to school, you’re not the only one feeling this way”, and while they are ALL right, that does not make it any easier. I have so many worries and concerns. Did I teach him enough? Did I prepare him enough? What if he gets bullied? What if he loses sight of who he is? I guess these are things we all ask ourselves.

After a nearly sleepless night, I woke up feeling reassured. He will be fine. I have to have faith that Daniel and I taught him enough to prepare him for this next step in his journey. Braden, if by chance you can read this within the next few years, I want you to know that no matter how much I might cry next week, it’s not because school is scary, it’s because watching you grow up is scary. I know some day you will shy away from my hugs, or make me drop you off around the corner, and that’s okay. As long as you let me cry on this day.

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Things I wish I had known about breastfeeding

It’s a no-brainer that nursing your baby is a fantastic option. Does breastfeeding make you a better Mom? No. Is it great for your baby? Yes. I knew the basics of breastfeeding before I started with my daughter. Nipple meets mouth. Pretty simple, right? Negative. Breastfeeding can be extremely challenging for some Moms and literally impossible for many as well. I learned that quickly when I was in the hospital after giving birth and my stubborn daughter (she gets it honestly) refused to latch. I wondered if my nipples were broken, if I was producing enough milk/colostrum, maybe they were clogged? Maybe I wasn’t holding her right, she isn’t a football after all. Among all these questions I was asking myself, was this little voice telling me to keep trying, a determined little voice that knew I chose this for a reason and I’d be damned if I walked out of there with a formula fed baby. After 12 hours, my starving little bundle finally latched on and began nursing. The emotions I didn’t know I was going to feel were overwhelming, relief washed over me as I tried to wrap my head around how my body could sustain this little life. Me, just plain old boring Kate. As if it wasn’t mind-blowing enough that I grew three humans in my body and gave birth to them, I was now about to exclusively breastfeed one for the first 6 months of her life.

Which brings me to the biggest thing I wish I had known. I had already established that I would nurse her for 6 months and not a month more. I’d give her a bottle and pump if I had to, but mostly I just wanted my body back after that point. Fast forward 6 months and this stubborn girl will not take a bottle. I try every nipple size, shape, colour, you can think of. I try spoon feeding her breastmilk, I try sippy cups, I try normal cups. But do you think that child was going to wean without a fight? Hell to the no. I kept telling myself eventually, if I was persistent enough, she would take a bottle. Fast forward a few more months and she is 10 months old and still nurses regularly. She doesn’t have much interest in food. She’s slowly learning to take a bottle but it’s been a real process. My point is, don’t go into nursing with a preconceived idea of how it’s going to start and finish. Every baby is different and a lot of them don’t magically self-wean. 

I’ve been struggling to maintain a social life where I can go out with my friends for more than a couple of hours because I have this tiny human at home waiting for the boob. She needs me. It’s more than food for her, it’s comfort. I love to be her comfort, but I also love my sanity. I’ve accepted that I might end up nursing her longer than I anticipated and it took me a long time to accept it, but that’s okay. I just wish I had known before so I wouldn’t have felt so… trapped, for lack of a better word. 

Another thing I discovered, is that nursing bras are not for everyone. I had one in the beginning along with cloth nursing pads (which were amazing, especially when you’re frugal like me). I always messed up the snaps on the bra and fumbled around and just generally had a rough time before I started using a sports bra. I could plop my boob out in like .5 seconds. Now that the engorged awkward stage is over, I can wear pretty much any bra I like and I have no issues. Same goes for nursing tops, I wore my regular tops, it’s just as easy to lift it up and tuck it into your bra as a nursing top is to pull down, plus regular shirts provide a nursing cover without the intention of it, it’s great. 

Lastly, I always thought I’d be really open about nursing, I thought I’d just pop my boob out and nurse her wherever and whenever I felt like it. I was wrong about that as well. I’ve actually only fed her in my home and at friend’s homes, never once in public. It’s not because I’m uncomfortable, it’s because I’m the kind of person that doesn’t like making other’s feel uncomfortable. Does that mean you shouldn’t nurse in public because you might hurt someone’s feelings? Definitely not. It just means that I made the personal choice not to, even after convincing myself I could and would. 

The last few weeks have been…

Dreadfully boring. I find it really difficult to write about the goings on in my life when the goings on consist of mindlessly obsessing over The Sims 4 and eating copious amounts of Ice Cream (Hey, free ice cream for a year, it needs to get eaten some time right?), But today was eventful, well this whole week and a bit really…

A while ago Braden had this assessment for Kindergarten and that was incredibly nerve wracking for me, I think my anxiety has been at it’s peak the last few weeks just thinking about sending him off to school. BY HIMSELF. Ugh. I have never even hired a babysitter before let alone sent him off to be supervised by one man or woman who also happens to be supervising 20 some other 5 year olds. I have a hard enough time with 2 kids, I can only imagine what it is like to deal with like a zillion in one class. But I also can imagine how little individual attention he might get and that frightens me, because I’m selfish. I think he did good in the assessment but honestly, he didn’t want to talk about it. I think that was mostly because it bored him besides being allowed to play with scissors, which we never let him do before that day, now he has his own pair! He chose to tell us about the scissors and the sticker they gave him, but nothing else stood out to him, I guess.

Then there’s Chase! He has gone to a few speech assessments, hearing tests, and the hubby & I went to a program called “Little Talkers” for him. His speech has gotten progressively better and he even had a point when he was assessed that his speech had improved so much that the speech pathologist told us to get lost for 6 months. Well 6 months passed and we had to take him in for another assessment and this time he gets to go to speech therapy for 8 weeks, but she still thinks he has made amazing progress and that makes me so happy. He might actually stop talking like a cute little cave man. “Me love you Mommy!”

And finally, today. Today was a big day because Paisley had her first round of Immunizations and we decided to get two birds stoned at once and book Braden in at the same time for his booster shots before school starts. We were really nervous about Braden getting needles because he’s old enough to know what is happening but still young enough that he wouldn’t really understand how important it was to get it done. He was excited all day about his appointment because we chose not to tell him what was going to happen. The poor kid probably thought it would be like any other doctor’s visit. 😦 Once we got in there, we decided to get his done before Paisley so it wouldn’t scare him away. The nurse was really nice, and he liked her. She asked us if we wanted to get his flu shot while we were there too and of course we said yes. So that meant the poor monster was getting two needles instead of one. He sat quietly on Daddy’s lap who had to hold him in this weird ass arm lock you only ever see in wrestling, and pop. There was the first needle. Braden pouted and looked confused and scared and kept repeating “ow..ow…ow” but he didn’t cry….yet. Once he realized he was getting another needle the tears started flowing, he had a really hard time but once it was over he calmed down in my arms.

Then it was Paisley’s turn and Braden made the mistake of watching. Well when the nurse poked the needle into her leg and she cried, Braden busted out into tears again screeching “Paisleyyyyy!!! You’re hurting her!!”. It broke his little heart to see his baby sister hurting. The second needle pissed Braden off even more than his own I think. He was sobbing and whispering in my ear to tell the nurse to stop. It broke my heart that he was crying, but it warmed my heart to think at such a young age he had such strong feelings of empathy for his baby sister. He got a sticker and when we got home he was spoiled with popcorn, hot chocolate, and cuddles with Mom.

Tomorrow is a new day and a new appointment, as Chase goes in to speech therapy. I’m sure I’ll be back very soon with another update on my boring and sometimes not boring life. xo

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