This morning I got up to get a drink of water and then head back to bed. On my way to the kitchen I noticed my husband had bought me a coffee for when I woke up, little things like that remind me of how kind he truly is. I went to lay back in bed and couldn’t fall back asleep because I was thinking about how far we had come in the nearly 10 years we’ve been together. When I met him, I strongly felt I was jaded. I had been through short fling after short fling, and even my “serious” relationships had never lasted longer than 6-8 months. I was young but I was also scared. I remember laying in bed at night thinking there was something wrong with me because I always ended perfectly fine relationships. I was constantly chasing the high of a new relationship, once the spark went out, I ran. By 18 years old, I felt like a seasoned relationship escapist. I had friends in High School who I knew would marry the guy they had been dating since middle school. Meanwhile I thought I’d never be with someone long enough or trust someone enough, to get married at all.
The handful of times I could see a future with someone, they let me down in big ways. It really changed the way I viewed relationships and certainly contributed to the hurt I caused others who came after. In a seemingly normal relationship, I’d run at the first sign of trouble. I didn’t know how to love and maybe in some way thought I didn’t deserve it.
Dan came along when I had sworn off relationships, fresh out of yet another heartbreak. How he broke down those walls with such ease still remains a mystery to me. We met at a party at his brother’s house and we connected immediately. Despite my efforts to never see him again, I somehow found myself making room in my heart for him at any opportunity given. Things moved fast between us, unlike anything I have ever experienced. I loved him right away. When we found out I was pregnant I was terrified but I never for a second believed I was alone. He could have ran, he could have forfeited any and all responsibility, but instead he stayed and we fell deeper in love.
If someone had told me when things went sour with my ex, that my next relationship would wind up in marriage, I would have scoffed. By that point I truly believed I was meant to be alone and didn’t deserve to share my life with someone. It’s been almost 10 years, we have 3 beautiful children. I can’t say it has been perfect, but that has been mostly due to me, my old ways, and my old fears. Despite my efforts to sabotage myself, he has stuck by my side unlike anyone from my past and I realize now that my past relationships had to fall apart, for this one to fall into place.